Some people say that you don't figure out what you want to do with your life until your forties. I say ... that sucks.

I had a conversation with a friend about how wanting to figure out your life - what you're good at, what your "calling" is - is in some way like longing for Heaven, for what we were intended for before the Fall. That is somewhat comforting, and somewhat maddening. Comforting, because it means I'm not crazy. Maddening, because I'm not sure that I'll find out, or that I'm meant to find out, until I get there. Sure, there is a purpose for me in this life. But that will never be as fulfilling as what I was meant to be in the beginning.

I don't believe that your "purpose" can be limited to your vocation, but it seems that has a lot to do with what defines a person, at least according to our culture. We were made with certain skill sets and talents, and God intended for us to use those or we wouldn't have them. Right now, I'm not sure that I'm using my talents at all. Or maybe I am, and I'm just not sure I like my talents. That's sort of blasphemous, but true. I sit in an office all day, and put together marketing materials. That sounds like it might be kind of cool, and I thought it would be, but it's really monotonous. Boring, but hectic at the same time. That's the worst because you're bored, yet stressed. How is that even possible? I've been here for two years now, and I'm itching for change.

I want change to include going back to school ... an attempt to right the wrong decision I made in my studies the first time around. This is something I've been talking about for the past year, but have done absolutely nothing about. I'm tired of just talking about it. I am just afraid that I will make the wrong decision again, afraid to leave a reliable paycheck and benefits, afraid to move to a new place alone. But those are stupid fears! Why would I let a job that I don't like hold me back from pursuing what I do like and what I am good at? I need a swift kick in the pants.