Tuesday, April 8, 2008

how to be a man

One. Get a real job.
Two. Move out of your mom's house.
Three. Learn how to take care of yourself. This includes the following:
  1. Become acquainted with cleaning supplies. The "Bachelor Pad" is not sexy when it's filthy. Moldy sinks + dirty clothes + piles of trash makes your place smell like crotch and feet. If you intend to have lady friends over, they should feel safe entering your bathroom, kitchen, or bedroom (if she's that kind of girl). She does not want to be afraid of catching a communicable disease from your toilet seat, drink out of a moldy cup, or be disgusted by the carpet of your special hairs on the bathroom floor. Or in the sink, for that matter (how DO you manage to spread those things everywhere?).
  2. Learn how to feed yourself. Don't be that guy who sits on his thrift store sofa, eating Hot Pockets and Bagel Bites, and playing video games. Now that your mommy isn't around, you're going to have to fend for yourself and not eat cereal for every meal. Learn to grill. Boil some water and make pasta. Better yet, learn how to actually cook. The ladies LOVE that.
  3. Furnish your home. We're not talking about super-expensive, nice furnishings here. But said thrift store sofa with unidentifiable stains, and coordinating bean bag chairs do not count as furniture. People do not want to sit on them - even you don't. Admit it. Have real dishes, real cookware, real silverware, and real glasses. You know those cups that you collected when everyone was leaving the football games in college? They don't count.
  4. Practice personal hygeine. You know ... shower, brush your teeth, wash your clothes, trim your fingernails. The only excuses for a guy with long fingernails are guitar playing and drug addiction. Also, not looking like you pulled all of your clothing out of your dirty laundry pile before work is a good thing. There are these things called irons - you plug them in and they get really hot and make your clothes look nice so you don't look like a hobo. Try it.
  5. Pay your bills. This is obvious, and helped by number six ...
  6. Don't buy shit you don't need. Having a big truck doesn't make you a man. It only makes you a stupid boy with an insanely high truck payment and nothing else to show for himself. Some girls dig a sedan man. Go with it.

7 comments:

Laura said...

Ha Ha Ha!

susan said...

Who are these boys? Ew.

amanda hannah said...

A conglomeration of boys, really. And a good representation of many bachelors in the free world.

Jessica said...

i am married to a recovering bachelor/hobo, and let me tell you, change is possible. slow, but possible. there is hope beyond the stink.

Elisa M said...

Amen! I feel like I may have dated this guy before.

amy :) said...

brilliant. i had several initials running through my head as i read that. ashamedly, i married a man that is far more clean than i am...

Charlene said...

Dude, I heeded your advice and followed #1 very closely tonight. What followed: a revelatory experience with my kitchen sink! I had to write you a whole email to tell you about it. Really.