big hopes, big falls

For anyone looking to be entertained, sorry to disappoint.  It might be a while.

I'm finding it hard to hope this week.  It seems that every time I let myself dream and want, it ends badly.  If I really believed in the theology that I claim, I would say that these endings are good - the plan of an all-knowing God for my life.  But I don't always believe that, or at least live like I believe it. There is one thing these days that I'm hoping for in a big way ... we're talking, a pretty freaking huge hope.  But there are doubts that lurk in the shadows, telling me my hopes are too lofty. That I don't deserve such a rich blessing. And maybe I don't. Good thing it's not about merit, right?

It's hard for this concrete thinker to get abstract things into her head.  I want details, God. When, where, who, how?  Tell me right now, or else.  Maybes and mights are not in my vocabulary.  "Wait" is a hard word to hear, especially when I'm so convinced of what's best for me.

Ah, the age old struggle.  God's will versus mine.  Sometimes I just want to be right.  Okay, maybe all the time.  Sue me.