the duality of christmas

This time of year is always mixed with joy and sadness. An emotional cocktail that leaves me feeling somewhat manic depressive, and wishing that I could wrap the bad things up with the gifts and shove them under a tree to be dealt with later. I want so badly to love Christmas, but find that some days I wish it were over aleady. Maybe it is the hype that surrounds this particular holiday. Every year I get really excited about the holidays, all of the greeting card mush and television ads with happy families on them sucking me in to the disillusionment. And I can't help myself - I want to get sucked in. I want to believe just like everyone else that for a short time, everything is shiny and bright. And for the most part, it is. There are parties with family and friends, the fun of buying gifts for people, and children's faces alive with excitement. There is the reminder of One who came to Earth for his beloved. A reminder that sadly becomes faint amongst the droning of "Jingle Bells" and " Here Comes Santa Claus."


The part that I hate are the unfulfilled promises and desires. No matter how content I am in my singleness the rest of the year (which isn't very content) the ache for a companion and a family of my own is impossible to ignore. I'm not quite sure what makes December much different from the rest of the year, but there is a definite sadness that can't be consoled. Just this week I had a child come sit in my lap and say, "Miss Amanda, you're not married." And then, "Miss Amanda, you don't have any children." While this was by no means meant to be hurtful or rude (they are children for heaven's sake), it was a bit like a child-sized dagger to the heart. You're right - I'm not married and I don't have children. Thanks for the reminder!

The older I get and the smaller our family becomes, the sadder Christmas gets. This year we will be celebrating without my Memaw, and with a Granny whose cancer keeps her in the bed most of the time. It is sad and it can't be fixed. Traditions that were held for as long as I can remember have fallen apart with loss, and while making new ones that could be passed on to my children one day is exciting, the old ones will be missed and fondly remembered. I look forward to time with my family, but also hate the thought that it could be the last one we spend with my beautiful grandmother.


And while celebrating Christ's birth is important, I find that my heart really resonates with the season of Advent that precedes Christmas day. We are still waiting. We don't know how long we will wait, how long we will endure the hardships and disappointments and sorrows of this life. But in the waiting we have hope. Hope that our loved ones are in His hands. Hope that we will have families of our own. Hope that He is changing and molding us. Hope that He will return. And maybe that's what its all about.