Today I am experiencing a mixture of emotions. Last night I spent time with a few of my closest guy friends. They are so great. One of them, Jeff, is on a plane right now headed for Thailand, so last night was a time for us to see him before he is on the other side of creation. There is nothing like being around people that you love, talking and telling stories and laughing. It's very refreshing.
But David and I went to Thailand last summer, so a lot of the talk was about memories and experiences that we had there. I knew that I missed it, but last night I ached to be there. I went to the airport this morning to see them off, and I'm glad that I did, but it made me wish even more that it was me who would take that twenty-something hour plane ride and be greeted by those beautiful and familiar Thai faces that I'm not sure I'll ever see again. It kinda sucks because I am so happy that my friends are getting to go and experience ministry in a different culture, but I am really, honestly jealous. I wish that I could have been more happy for them than sad for myself. But, that's just another example of how I can hardly think of anyone but me.
Probably another reason that I'm so jealous is that I'm convinced that their summer is going to be way cooler than mine ... and I'm scared that I'm going to suck it up as a team leader at Beach Project. Things have been a little rocky for me spiritually for about the past three months, and now I'm going there to be in this leadership role where I'm supposed to help others know how to better walk with God. I know that its not unusual for Christians to go through times of doubt and all that, but could this have possibly come at a different time? The definition of discipleship that I've always heard says that you should have a "life worth emulating." That's funny. Who has one of those?
But I really don't plan to hide anything from the people that are leading me, or from the people that I'm leading. I've played that game for too long. Let's face it ... I'm screwed up, you're screwed up. Let's try to be less screwed up together by telling each other the truth and relying on Christ to carry us through this mess. I've tried to cover up what's really going on with me and have found that it doesn't do me any good. It may make me look better, but it makes the sin in me grow bigger and deeper, and I'm tired of big and deep sin. I want to deal with it, and seek answers to all the questions that I have, but still after four years of being a believer I feel like I don't know where to start.