Wednesday, May 4, 2005

More Bitter than Sweet

This week marks the end of an incredible five years for me. On Saturday I will walk across a platform in a black robe, and as soon as my feet touch down on the other side I am in a new stage of life. I don't know why I ever wanted to graduate college in four years - why it ever crossed my mind that there was anything wrong with spending one extra year here. Perhaps it was because of a certain someone who holds power over me through green paper.

I would take five more years if I could. There have been so many great opportunities that I've had that I wouldn't trade for anything. But more than that, I have developed relationships that have been more meaningful to me than any I've ever had. Never in my life have I had this many people who genuinely care about me and want to see me grow spiritually. This all sounds very sappy, and its not really like me to be sappy, but I've let me emotions get the better of me this week. My girly, cry-at-movies alter ego has appeared this week, and its not even PMS. I'm not fond of this, but I always find it fascinating how crying makes you feel somewhat better. I envy people who have this ability on a normal basis.

Change is not usually something that bothers me, but I've found that the changes that are about to occur in my life scare the hell out of me. Usually the unknown intrigues me, and I dive in head first. But these unknowns are much larger and, once again, dominated by green paper. Things like insurance and car payments are standing in front of me, screaming at the top of their lungs. What do I want to be when I grow up? Anything that pays.

I hear all of the people who have become the voices in my head saying things like, "God is in control of this," and, "He is going to provide for you." These are the things that I want to believe, and I guess I do. It's just hard to grasp after 23 years of having a Daddy Warbucks type of figure in your life. When the source is gone, its easy to be convinced that you are headed straight for a homeless shelter with only your grocery cart of belongings to show for yourself. I know now that I am spoiled beyond reason. Part of me wants to stay that way, but the larger part wants to be free.

No comments: