Saturday, May 7, 2005

Needy

Well ... here I am in the "real world," which strangely seems much different that whatever world I was in before. Granted, I have only been in it for a few hours, so I am sure that it will become even less familiar. Again today - more crying. I am starting to get used to it. Today I cried because I left a town that I called my home for five years. I guess that was a bigger deal than I thought it would be. All along I have been convinced that this was not the place that I wanted to permanently receive my mail, but when I looked around me today I was captivated. It was a cruel trick, really. Everything looked greener and more charming. The things that I hated about the crappy rental house that I lived in suddenly became endearing. But was got me most were the people I saw who I never wanted to say goodbye to. I know that its not goodbye forever, but it kills me to think that they won't be a part of my everyday life the way they were before. I also cried because of unreciprocated love, but that's another story.

But I am really surprising myself these days. I think that I had convinced myself that I really believed that I needed people. It was the right thing to say. Christians are supposed to say that they need the Body, so I told myself that I believed it. But its easy to say that you need people when they are readily available to you. Now at the thought of the people who I hold most dear not being super involved in my life, I realize that I need them more than ever. I've come to see that I have a very independent spirit, and I don't want that to be true of me. I want the people that I love to be able to say that I love them fearlessly and honestly. I have a long way to go, but thankfully the work in me is not complete.

1 comment:

nate said...

Well I stumbled upon what I thought was going to be another humorous out-take from the life of Amanda R. Hannah. I was surprised to find that these thought were the comments of a grown woman who, until today was still just a little girl. I have spent days wondering how in the world is this girl is going to make it, out from underneath the wing of parental support. But reading these things I have seen the woman I never met in the girl I have known my entire life. So what do you do with life? If you find out please inform me. It scares the hell out of me too. I have never been on my own and I regret that very much. The real world sucks, everything revolves around the dollar, or the there of. But if anyone is going to make it in this world, Amanda R. Hannah will. There is at least one person who knoes that much!!