Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Further Up and Further In

Real community is becoming more attractive and more frightening to me. A sequence of events, starting with a talk by a friend on the topic, and ending (but probably not ending) with the revealing of a long-hidden sin to a trusted friend, has led me to see that my experience of community has been selfish and shallow. It is becoming more attractive because I see the freedom and joy that comes from being laid bare before another believer, and the beauty of dying to yourself and being poured out and emptied for other people. Frightening because it is hard. I came to the painful realization that being alone and away from fellowship for the past two months has caused me to hide. I have crept quietly into my closet and I'm crouching there, hoping that no one will notice and call me out. I've become so centered on myself, being the only one in my little closet, wanting only to please me and not caring about anyone else. But the glimpse of honesty that I saw this weekend left me craving more, and wanting to put who I really am on the table, ready to be dealt with. I know that God doesn't call me to a life of individualism and greed, but to a life of dying to myself and experiencing joy and satisfaction from being more concerned with Him and others than with myself.

I also had a good conversation with a friend this weekend about relationships with guys. It put things into a new perspective for me. We talked about how deep friendships with guys are really not a good investment of your time, because unless you marry that person, when they get married you won't really talk to them anymore. And you'll also be hurt and disappointed. So, its better to invest your time into friendships with the same sex because those relationships don't change (as much). That's hard though, because naturally we like spending time with the opposite sex, and its healthy to have that diversity in the body. But I can see in my life a relationship that I put too much stock into (although its not necessarily reciprocated ... see previous posts). I've decided that it might not be worth it in the long run to keep up the friendship since I want more than friendship, and will only wind up getting hurt and disappointed. Its so hard when you enjoy someone so much, though. My thoughts on the topic are obviously still scattered and I haven't come to a verdict yet. I'm not really enjoying this.

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