Wednesday, October 5, 2005


Sometimes its really hard to believe that there is a plan for your life. All of the high hopes that I had coming back from this summer have lost their luster as the realities of life have become more and more familiar and disheartening.

My 24th birthday is in three weeks. I guess that I can officially claim the title of "adult" by now, although I really don't feel like one. The things that come with adulthood like jobs and bills and stuff like that haven't graced me with their burdensome presence quite yet, and as crazy as it sounds, I actually wish they would. I crave independence and the freedom to do the things that I love and be with the people that I love. I crave change and newness. The uncomfortability of new relationships that will eventually mellow into the comfort of trusted friendships. The excitement of my own space and the freedom to do with it and in it what I choose. I crave creativity and expression, although I'm not sure that I possess the ability to be creative or expressive. Nonetheless, I want it. I guess if you want to be creative you can be, even if your idea of creative is different than everyone else's.

I'm just ready to see the beauty of life. I'm tired of seeing the crappy stuff. Tired of job interviews that lead to nothing. Tired of people who are controlling and unsupportive. Tired of loneliness and boredom. I'm ready to live and not just exist. I want to believe that God wants that for me, too. And He does. Abundant life seems to sound kind of like what I'm looking for. I just wish that He would clue me in on what the plan is.

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