Tuesday, August 29, 2006

the root

Bitterness. Even the word is disgusting.

For the past month, I was tangled in it. I tried (by my own abilities, of course) to let it go. But there was no relief to be found, no rest for a hurting and angry heart. The more I tried, the more it grew. And the more it grew, the more miserable I became. Feeling wronged, abandoned, rejected, deserving ... I held on to what I thought I should rightly have. But Sunday before communion, our pastor (who I am growing to love so dearly) gently reminded us of the importance of coming to the table having nothing usettled between you and another. But there was so much unsettled that it had affected every part of me. The way I related to others, the way I viewed God and myself. I became reclusive. I pulled away from the accused, thinking it was some sort of just punishment to them for the wrong that they had done. Sin. Sin everywhere.

But thank God for his grace. He granted an opportunity to forgive and be forgiven. He is right every time. "See to it that no one comes short of the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springing up causes trouble, and by it many be defiled" (Heb. 12:15).

This verse has left me thinking about the condition of our church. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure there is a root of bitterness there. Maybe not within every person, but it is definitely prevalent. Hebrews says that many are defiled by a root of bitterness ... it is contagious in a sense. I can see the bitter root that has grown in so many people, including myself, over issues in the church and in Christian culture. I can see the lack of love that comes from it. And I can see it spreading. It is affecting our joy in Christ and our pursuit of holiness.

Sometimes I wonder why I chose to become a member of this church. There are some things about it that are so great. The people there are honest and unafraid to talk about their sin. They don't just put on a happy face and ignore the hard things in life. But I'm not sure that we are experiencing real grace and repentance. Not just the side of grace that says "It doesn't matter what you do," but the side of grace that says, "You are free to be obedient." By His grace we not only have no fear of condemnation, we also know that we can uphold the law. "Law" has become a dirty word.

I heard a pastor say recently that repentance and sorrow are not the same thing. Repentance is being truly grieved over sinning against a Holy God. Sorrow is being sorry that we got caught. I don't know that I've ever been that grieved over my sin. I am beginning to see the hard parts of being a member of a community of believers. But I am so glad that God has me here, and is showing me needs that I wasn't seeing in the beginning when I just thought that everything was great. I want to be in prayer over our congregation. Actually, I just want to be in prayer.

I don't know if this is making sense anymore. If anyone has any words of wisdom, please impart them in the comments section.

5 comments:

susan said...

I'm so glad that you're here!!! I think what you said about the "root of bitterness" is true, but I see so much progress. I really think we're about to turn a corner...

Su

jeff said...

good thoughts, amanda.
this made me think..

Rick said...

Bitterness is very stinky, but such an interesting teaching tool in matters of the heart.

Anonymous said...

we'll have to start an Arrested Development night once we get settled in...
everyone should see the show in all it's glory...
start to finish.

Amanda said...

Casey -

Brilliant idea.