Thursday, January 31, 2008

the polite pottier

There should be a universal set of rules that parents use when potty-training their children. I have come across too many adults who make going to the bathroom less pleasant for others. Parents, teach your children these rules:

  1. The Five Sheets Rule: When you pee, it doesn't take two oversized wads of toilet paper to do the job. Going through a roll of toilet paper every two days is not frugal, not to mention environmentally unfriendly. If you're afraid of possibly getting your own pee on your hand, that is what soap and water is for. To avoid toilet paper all together in the mornings, pee in the shower. Just don't tell the other people who use the shower.
  2. The Check the Seat Rule: If there is anything left behind when you're done, for the love of all that's holy, get rid of it! Nobody wants to be greeted by your special hairs, drops of urine, or bits of dirty toilet paper. Sick.
  3. The 3-Second Spray Rule: If you must use air freshener, spray for three seconds - no more, no less. Be sure to count Mississippily. Too little spray, and it still smells like your poo. Too much, people die of Aeresol Lung. I'm a big fan of the old fashioned match-strike.
  4. The Always Flush Rule: If you pee before you get into the shower or when someone else is in the shower and don't want to flush immediately, that's fine. However, you need to go back and flush that mess. Your pee should not sit in the toilet all day. That is gross. And if one flush doesn't take care of business, flush it again (unless there is a drought).

5 comments:

The Hef said...

That's groatie...

G. Twilley said...

while slightly poisonous, urine is also sterile (if you can believe it).

Urine Sterility

Anonymous said...

I would like to add that when in a public bathroom, if you can tell that the person who was in there first is going to be there for a while because they need solitude, GET OUT OF THE STALL AND LET THEM HAVE THE PRIVACY THEY HAVE STAKED OUT!!!! Don't just sit there in silence like it's some kind of contest to see who leaves first. If you came in second, you leave FIRST.

Kathryn said...

mississiply? i love it. i love reading your blog! :-)

Amy said...

okay, i laughed so hard i have to go pee. let me think: 5 sheets, 3 seconds, wipe the seat, and flush. i think i've got it.