Living and Learning

There is a new community group that I've started going to with my church. Last night was only the second time I've gone. Last week it was pretty good ... there were a lot of people there, and we talked and prayed together. It was tame. Then last night, with fewer people there, some really interesting conversations came out about how some people in the group don't believe that the Bible is inerrant, and how they don't read their Bibles at all because its hard to understand. There was also a lengthy discussion about poverty and the church's call to help the poor and whether or not our church was going about it in the right way. It was interesting, to say the least, and really good for me. I left with an overwhelming sense that life is way more complicated than I realize. A sense of how self-centered I am, and how I make my faith too much about me and what satisfaction I can gain from knowing God. While that is important (just ask Piper) I don't think it is the end result of Christianity. He saved us for a purpose, and He made it pretty clear what it is He wants us to do ... love God and love others. I don't remember Him telling us to be as happy as possible. So, last night was really challenging for me. I'm not really sure where I fit into the picture at this point, but I believe that God is trying to show me ... its just a matter of my eyes being opened to the abundant need around me, the abundant and beautiful grace of God, and the gifts that He has given me in order to show people that grace.

Just before the community group started, I was talking with my dear friend Bonnie in the car. She's the only person these days who actually asks me how my heart is. It is so frustrating to me to think about the joy and excitement that you have when you first become a Christian, and then to think about the brick-wall-of-a-heart that I have now ... a heart unmoved by the gospel and unmotivated to do anything. Also frustrating is the knowledge that, even if I do start "doing" things (spiritual disciplines) they will only be tainted with pride and/or guilt. I'm not sure if that tension ever goes away in this lifetime, which is not all that encouraging.

In other news ... I had a good email conversation with a friend the other day. Got some things out in the open, and cleared up some current tension. It was something that I considered avoiding, and seeing if the problem would fix itself. But I'm really glad that I didn't, and really glad that I kept a good friend. Communication is such a good thing when used correctly. It made me want to communicate well with everyone in my life (but maybe next time be gutsy enough to have a non-email conversation). I hate that I am always too timid to say what's on my mind. It helps no one.