Today is my day off. Being off on a Wednesday is so weird to me still - it is the middle of the week and I'm in my bed fighting a nap, the exercise clothes I've been wearing all day still haven't been put to good use, and yesterday's laundry is crumpled in my floor begging to be folded. Shut your mouth, laundry - I'm tired.
I can't decide if I like having this life right now. It isn't bad, but it isn't necessarily good either. I am, and have always been, a habitual type of person. I like predictability, and it doesn't exist in my world anymore. I was comfortable in my eight to five schedule - I slept and woke at the same time every day, I sat down for eight hours and didn't have aching legs at the end of the day, I had enough energy to go to the gym after work. But I also do not have to go to that wretched job, stare at a computer all day, do mind-numbing work, and deal with people who think much too highly of their own opinions (well, there is still some of that - I do work in Mountain Brook). It is hard to tell if I like life right now. I suppose it will take time to adjust to the chaos.
I have been taking quite a few babysitting jobs recently, as my new motto is "Never Turn Down Income." For those of you who have known me for more than two years, this might be somewhat laughable. A few years back, I would have never been babysitting, much less taking a nannying job (starting this summer). There came a point in my life, somewhere around the age of 26, where I suddenly loved children and dogs. Call it a change of heart, or call it a biological clock - whatever it is, it is weird. But as much as I love them, it worries me a little when I am with them because I am always, always ready for their parents to come home. It makes me wonder if I will be a bad parent ... if I should rethink what I want for my future. Today the mom that I sat for told me that she didn't love children until she had her own - that was reassuring. I guess I just can't fathom love like that - love that gives everything for that tiny little person. That nurtures and corrects and feeds and disciplines and hugs and teaches and wipes their poopy little butts all day. I hope that I can become that person.
2 comments:
yeah. i hope i can become that person too. i think i always felt that way when i babysat. and i'm glad that you're experiencing a non-"normal" schedule. even though i've been out of the 8-5 for 3.5 years now, i still have a hard time with it...like i think i'm supposed to be doing something else and find myself doubting everything i do instead. a little maddening.
I still can't fathom love like that! I always wondered if I should have kids of my own, because aren't moms supposed to naturally LOVE being around kids?
I know that I'm not supposed to admit stuff like this, but in my daily life as a mother, I'm still usually looking forward to getting that break. It often feels as though I measure out my days with my son's bedtimes. It's different from babysitting because there is an instinctual love for my own child. But that doesn't mean that I enjoy being around him all the time. In fact, this is the most difficult job I've ever done. There are brief, glorious moments where my love for Waits wells up and makes all of the sacrifice more than worth it; where I actually enjoy changing his diaper or cleaning up another mess. But I think those rare times are a gift from God.
Don't get me wrong. I think that there are plenty of people out there who naturally, instinctually enjoy being around kids. I'm just not one of them. But I don't think that means that people like us shouldn't be mothers, not at all.
(And for what it's worth, Waits gives you rave reviews.)
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